Review/Rant: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

This gets double billing due to its uncharacteristic approach. I’m fairly certain no one will agree with my assessment, but hey, different strokes for different folks. It’s also short, so, uh, deal with it :)

Director: Patrick Lussier
Year: 2009
Country: USA

I’ve been sitting on a review for the “re-imagining” of My Bloody Valentine for awhile, the result of a mix of writer’s block and a desire to watch other films that haven’t been reviewed by everyone and their mother. Despite being half written and focusing for whatever reason I can’t discern on the unlikely success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop and its trumping of MBV3D at the box office, I have decided to rework it to focus on what I felt was a heavily detrimental aspect to my overall enjoyment of the film.

No, it’s not the absolutely ludicrous faux-love story or the done-to-death ending that did little to make me not wretch in abject disgust. This was just par for the course on what has started off as a dismal year for mainstream horror films, beginning with David Goyer’s The Unborn and no doubt sure to include the remake of A Tale of Two Sisters and the forthcoming and highly anticipated Friday the 13th. Of course, this could just be a slow start and I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but that would be wishful thinking. But I digress.

It was the 3-D.

Most everyone who has reviewed the film has made the claim that the 3-D was spectacular, and the very definition of what good three-dimensional film viewing should be; it was the sole reason to see the film (which I agree with) and set the standard for how 3-D should be, at least in a horror film (I disagree). While the 3-D was indeed a real treat and a good distraction from actual content of the film, it was severely underutilized. Now, it started strong. Believe me, early on in the film I thought that if the trend of mutilated hospital staff, eyeballs flying into the audience, and body upon body being stacked like Lincoln Logs continued throughout the duration of the film, I was going to be a happy camper.

Sadly, it did not. Given the weak story, soap opera-esque acting, and the ridiculously cliché dialogue (curse you Todd Farmer!), one would expect – or hope – the wonderfully morbid levels of violence and bodily dismemberment to continue with a steady pace throughout the film, thus making full use of the RealD™ technology. Instead we’re treated to an excellent first fifteen minutes, followed by three dimensional representations of people talking and bickering and only a small smattering of deaths in between.

Maybe I’m asking for too much here, but when I go see a remake of a slasher film done entirely in 3-D, I expect so much fucking blood spraying into the audience I actually get wet. The full use of the technology came only when something, usually a body part or weapon of some sort, went flying at the viewer, and this was done all too sporadically to make the three dimensional aspect enjoyable.

In the end, the 3-D was simply a distraction and not enough to compensate for everything else that was wrong with the film. I’m not going to lie; the scenes where it was used in a way to actually make me forget I paid twelve dollars to see the film were excellent. I have a habit of laughing uncontrollably when people die in gruesome deaths on screen, and I belted out a few good ones. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t enough for me.